I know its ridiculous to say this, but I have to get it out of my system anyway.

I am sorry for I am not a pretty, cute, small and cuddly girl and I am tom boyish.. I am trying my best and at the same time trying not to lose myself. So, please give me some attention when I need some. Don't just ignore me like that and treat that I am invisible. Everywhere I go, I don't belong. 

Uncertain

Its been more than a year since that incident happened. I have been walking blindly down the path, following wherever it leads me to but its taking me to nowhere. No signs of  life, no signboards, but still in hope that something will appear soon. How long do I have to keep walking then? Will I meet a dead end or a beautiful scenery? Should I continue the journey or wait for someone to come along to pick me up and bring to the beautiful scenery at the end?

Answers.... Still searching for them, or can someone help me answer them?

樓上來的聲音

海阔天空

我希望心里可以永远觉得海阔天空,
永远自由自我.
为何越大越做不到.

好想返到年幼的时候.

My Wish

Its has been 22 years since I was brought to this earth...
My life was never boring....
Every year, many good and bad experience, and through these I learn how to become a better person and how to take care of others feelings.

As I grow older, many things that doesn't make sense to me, made more sense now.
As I grow older, more and more responsibility are dumped on me.
As I grow older, I cannot be as carefree as I used to be because there are too many things to put into consideration.

Being who I am,
Being in the situation I grew up with,

I have become stronger than I thought,
I have become independent,
I have become protective,

Taking all these into account, being the older me,

I feel like I am a big big umbrella, to shelter others.
I feel the need to take care of others,
I feel the need to take up responsibilities and to make sure that everything is alright.

And because of all these,
No one has thought me as a weak person,
No one will come and protect me,
Everyone will think that "It's Shi Wei, she can do it."
Due to my character and my outlook.

Since highschool, all this weight I have been carrying. 

And it has not gone lighter a single bit,

but instead heavier and heavier.

I am getting tired...

I wish someone would come to me and say.

"Take this hand of mine,
I will share your weights,
I will protect you and watch over you,
I will give you comfort when you are sad,
You will not have to worry anymore."

Yeah.. This is my wish.


-wsw-

红豆冰

我是打架鱼，你是botak... 可是，我可以不要那个结局吗？

我还是很想念你. 一直都期望着我们总有一天会在一起。 可是这都是贪念。在我脑海里的某一处一直都在提醒我这是没可能发生的事。 我还是放不下你。已经一年多了。我很期待我回来后会是怎样的发展，但也害怕。

为什么爱一个人那么难？为什么找一个伴侣那么难？我的要求并不是很高。一直一直都在祷告，等待白马王子出现。一年一年的过着，却还是一场空。

家庭从小已经没什么温暖，每天都吵闹。自小已经好像少了个爸爸。我也需要依靠。一个大男人来给我依靠。为什么我和你就这么的生命交叉。 我很不甘愿........

Ps: Reading your twitter is the only thing that makes me feel near to you.. =(

Surrender

How is it like to really surrender all things to God?

There are so much of desires and own goals that we want to achieve, but there it is written, be a humble servant and trust in Him in whatever you do and surrender all things.

I always thought surrendering is not as hard as it would seem, but when there is an area in your life that you just cannot let go and give up, I can tell you, it is darn hard! Darn hard to just let go of your choice, what you think is best and to let God take charge and let Him take you to the place He wants you to be.

Surrendering is not only serving him with all our might and soul but also to really obey and listen to Him on whatever he says whether you like it or not.

Dear Lord, if that is really what you want, please give me strength.

Amen.

Hidden heart much?

My heart. It has been hidden for sometime now but it was found and  its slowly being stole away piece by piece. I try to take them back but some of them are already lost in transaction.. *sigh*

In the end

We are moving in Dec, the last month of the year where all other places are already having hols and some places snowing.. I wish I could be part of it.. >.< Always dreaming of experiencing a white Christmas with carols, tress, happy ppl everywhere... =) When will that gonna happen, I wonder.. ?

My Dec is not gonna happen that way I suppose for the next 2 years... Exams are always around in Jan, how on earth then am I gonna enjoy my christmas.. Imma really not happy with the fact that my sis is not going to be in Malaysia this Christmas and I thought Christmas is suppose to be spent with family, or maybe I am just jealous that she gotta go out to enjoy and I am just stuck here..

At this point of time, I am so numb with work and responsibilities, I really don't have anytime for myself and there's nothing I can do about it.. I so really wish and hope that I can just runaway to a far far away land and never come back until everything has passed... I am just too overwhelmed with all that is happening.. Relying only on God's strength to pull me through all these.. I am just very very very tired.. Sighhhh............

Where is happy spirit? End of the year, where is my spirit??

What?!

At this point of time, I have no idea what is happening actually. Its a really really busy period of time which consists of assignments, ppl and CF. My time is mostly dedicated to the above and not so much for myself and my other friends. Not to say that I am complaining with all the work I have and all, I am very happy doing CF stuff (the ppl there are kinda wacko. =P).. but I am feeling like something is missing somewhere... Too caught up with work I guess, I neglected some of my friends and really am not feeling right about that..

What more, recently, I felt I am more alone than anytime else.. I couldn't spend time with ppl closest to me, apparently no time (what an excuse ).. I blame myself for that.. Very poor time management...

I couldn't read her, understand her anymore.. What happened to me? Someone enlighten me with what's going on around.. I really couldn't see or understand lor...

Tell me or else I would nvr know...